Progression of a Mama's Tragedy...

     As I stand here and place my daughters "birth certificate" in a frame, so many questions arise.... Were the Operating Room staff quiet and somnolent while they removed my baby girl from my body? Were they talking about their normal daily life, making plans for that evening, or were they providing moments of silence for the tiny little one that never made it. There is no way to prevent these thoughts, avoid them or know they are oncoming; its the natural progression of tragedy I guess.... 

    Poor little Kennedy Kristine, never had a chance to see the world, but is now with her three brothers who were also gone too soon. HELLP syndrome- that is what they said is caused our little girl to be forced into the world too soon. I was 18 weeks pregnant when I started having severe heartburn, nausea, fevers, chills and abdominal pain. I went to our rural hospital where they found my liver enzymes to be 3x the normal limit but they were unsure the causes. Little Kennedy stayed strong as the nurses poked and prodded, started IV's, missed IV's, and filled me with medication to help with my blood pressure that was spiking to stroke high readings. Every time they checked on her via ultrasound.... there she was just kicking away. 

    I was not improving at the local hospital; so they decided to helicopter fly me to phoenix as I was quickly getting worse. Once in Phoenix, several more tests were done, more pokes and prodding. and my bloodwork began to stabilize. I was released home after 2 days, and as my husband and I drove the 3 hour drive home, I was still uncomfortable, sick to my stomach, and still felt as though something was wrong.

    I was home for one day, when I started to have abdominal pain, heartburn, and ALL the symptoms all over except x 1000. I called the "ask a nurse" who scheduled an afternoon appointment for me, but within 20 mins of talking to her I was drenched in sweat, hunched over with abdominal pain and "waiting" for my appointment. I couldn't take it anymore so I called my husband who was working and told him I was going in now. As soon as I arrive to the hospital they checked me in, some with several question about what they did for me in PHX as they remembered me from last week. 

    Within 1 hour of being in the OBGYN ER, I was being told I would be flown to PHX-again, as my liver was failing, and I was at risk for bleeding out.  SO, low and behold, here I go back on the helicopter in the middle of the night as my husband starts the 3 hour drive back to PHX. This time, the helicopter ride was sickening, i felt my baby fluttering around, as I was being flown, to what I knew would be her final destination; as the doctors had told me prior to flight transfer that there would be nothing they can do to save our daughter because she was too little, but if they did not go and get her, I was going to die. 

Im invincible! I don't care what it takes, save my baby! I can deal with the pain, its not that bad (as I am doubled over, puking everywhere and being given ever drug known to man without a touch of pain relief). 

Immediately upon arriving to the PHX hospital, I meet a very nice young doctor who quickly introduces herself, apologizes for the bluntness, but reiterates the severity and lethality of the situation and strongly encourages me to "terminate the pregnancy" or I will die, and they needed to act quick because I only had a few hours before it was turning into DIC and ultimately death. 

How does one deal with that? Why can't they do anything to save us both? Truth be told, there are so many things that are out of our hands. We wish for one, and are given complete opposite. The truth is, I have so many medical conditions, I was told by several doctors I should not have children because it was too risky for stroke, death, and yes stillbirth and miscarriage. 

The three boys I had lost previously with my ex-husband passed while in utero. I didn't know they were gone until I went to my "regular check up" to find no heartbeat as my tiny babies lie lifeless on the ultrasound monitor.